My life hasn’t been easy the past couple of months—or years—but honestly who’s really counting?
Particularly online, I’ve taken a step back to try to deal and cope with this confusing time in my life.
The recent silence on my blog has caused readers to worry about me and brought to my attention they’ve been looking for updates on how life is going. It is so sweet to be thought of and to feel people caring about me through
their messages asking me how I’m doing… people I barely know or hardly know anymore and even complete strangers have reached out.
It’s funny because some people who are considered family or those who are actually family don’t even seem to notice. Not to say I was being quiet via social media to get attention—that wasn’t my goal—nor did I really have one, to be honest.
I’ve just felt so rotten, down, frustrated, and in pain that writing a blog seemed like a chore and not an activity I love to do. There is so much that goes on behind the scenes of a blog, especially when you’re trying to grow it, that takes up so much time and energy. But I do it because I love it, I love reaching people through my writing, and I hope to help someone by sharing my stories and advice.
I have this blog now, as more of a place to really share my experiences in hopes to help others going through difficult times. It’s a struggle because I love connecting with people, but it’s also difficult to keep up with all of the different ways I receive comments, messages, and feedback through so many various channels (i.e. Facebook, Instagram, Snap, Email, Facebook Messages, Texts, Phone Calls…)
And often I read something, and feel compelled to respond, but then time goes and I forget as more and more messages come in.
Beyond just that, the reality of my everyday life sucks the life out of me. I literally feel as though there is no quality of life here at all. I adore my kids and my husband, but it’s so difficult when I’m held back by this disease (GVHD—read more about it here, here, and here).
I can’t drive.
I can’t get dressed alone.
I can’t fix or dry the back of my hair.
I can’t get on the floor under any circumstances (especially with the expectations are to get up myself)
I can hardly see (my eyes are blurry, particularly my left, which also has a saggy eyes lid).
I can’t pick up my kids or dogs.
It hurts my neck to eat and look down at my plate.
I can’t do laundry.
I can’t bathe the kids.
I can’t cook dinner.
I’m pretty much useless.
Klay does everything around the house, for me and the kids.
I think it’s so hard for people to understand how difficult life is right now for me unless they see me in person and actually see the ways I physically and emotionally struggle.
Plus, some “new” things have come up over the last month or so that have caused concern with my doctors. Tests are being administered and we’re waiting to see another specialist for his opinion and to help figure out what is going on. I don’t really want to say much yet because we don’t know a lot. It could be nothing, but there is something that’s causing concern, we just need to figure out how serious it is.
I’ll write a whole post about this once I know more.
Beyond this “new” prob, there a multitude of other things that have caused major stress, insecurities, and issues in my life that I’ve not spoken about publicly.
I’ve waited to talk about these other issues I’ve had for a long while. Don’t worry; I plan to share because I feel it’s something NO ONE ever talks about. People don’t want to admit their lives aren’t perfect, but I’m not afraid to speak the truth. Obviously, you guys know my life is far from being anywhere close to the word “perfect.” And I was initially thinking a good time to shed light on these issues is when I debut the podcast.
Anyway, I just want people to understand that because the cancer is gone it doesn’t mean life is all good again.
I NEVER knew life after cancer would be this hard. NEVER.
And, then people say, “well you’re alive and you’ve got more time with your children; so you should be thankful for that.” Don’t get me wrong. I’m the first one to raise my hand (it doesn’t go very far up anymore due to my muscle GVHD) and say “Grateful Gal over here.” I know a lot of people don’t get this opportunity. But that doesn’t mean that this opportunity or longer life I’ve been given doesn’t suck either.
If you get offended that I’m complaining about “surviving” cancer, you come talk to me when you’re struggling to wipe your ass because your arms won’t stretch that far, or fall on your ass trying to pick something up in front of everyone and can’t get back up without calling a shit load of attention to yourself.
This is the everyday life for me now and this life is not a life.
Every day just feels like a big fat reminder of things I can’t or I’m not allowed to do anymore.
Enough with my bitching sesh, in other news, there are many new things I’m ready to bring to my audience! I’m planning more FB LIVE videos, IG stories, Snapchats, maybe even some Youtube vids, etc.
Can someone send me some energy so I can accomplish everything I intend to?
What are ways you keep your energy up during the week?
Trying to keep my energy vibes up and the negative feels down,