My life hasn’t been easy the past couple of months—or years—but honestly who’s really counting?

Particularly online, I’ve taken a step back to try to deal and cope with this confusing time in my life.

The recent silence on my blog has caused readers to worry about me and brought to my attention they’ve been looking for updates on how life is going. It is so sweet to be thought of and to feel people caring about me through
their messages asking me how I’m doing… people I barely know or hardly know anymore and even complete strangers have reached out.personal cancer survivor blog shares stories about life during/after cancer

It’s funny because some people who are considered family or those who are actually family don’t even seem to notice. Not to say I was being quiet via social media to get attention—that wasn’t my goal—nor did I really have one, to be honest.

I’ve just felt so rotten, down, frustrated, and in pain that writing a blog seemed like a chore and not an activity I love to do. There is so much that goes on behind the scenes of a blog, especially when you’re trying to grow it, that takes up so much time and energy. But I do it because I love it, I love reaching people through my writing, and I hope to help someone by sharing my stories and advice.

I have this blog now, as more of a place to really share my experiences in hopes to help others going through difficult times. It’s a struggle because I love connecting with people, but it’s also difficult to keep up with all of the different ways I receive comments, messages, and feedback through so many various channels (i.e. Facebook, Instagram, Snap, Email, Facebook Messages, Texts, Phone Calls…)

And often I read something, and feel compelled to respond, but then time goes and I forget as more and more messages come in.

Beyond just that, the reality of my everyday life sucks the life out of me. I literally feel as though there is no quality of life here at all. I adore my kids and my husband, but it’s so difficult when I’m held back by this disease (GVHD—read more about it here, here, and here).

I can’t drive.
I can’t get dressed alone.
I can’t fix or dry the back of my hair.
I can’t get on the floor under any circumstances (especially with the expectations are to get up myself)
I can hardly see (my eyes are blurry, particularly my left, which also has a saggy eyes lid).
I can’t pick up my kids or dogs.
It hurts my neck to eat and look down at my plate.
I can’t do laundry.
I can’t bathe the kids.
I can’t cook dinner.
I’m pretty much useless.

Klay does everything around the house, for me and the kids.

I think it’s so hard for people to understand how difficult life is right now for me unless they see me in person and actually see the ways I physically and emotionally struggle.

Plus, some “new” things have come up over the last month or so that have caused concern with my doctors. Tests are being administered and we’re waiting to see another specialist for his opinion and to help figure out what is going on. I don’t really want to say much yet because we don’t know a lot. It could be nothing, but there is something that’s causing concern, we just need to figure out how serious it is.

I’ll write a whole post about this once I know more.

Beyond this “new” prob, there a multitude of other things that have caused major stress, insecurities, and issues in my life that I’ve not spoken about publicly.

I’ve waited to talk about these other issues I’ve had for a long while. Don’t worry; I plan to share because I feel it’s something NO ONE ever talks about. People don’t want to admit their lives aren’t perfect, but I’m not afraid to speak the truth. Obviously, you guys know my life is far from being anywhere close to the word “perfect.” And I was initially thinking a good time to shed light on these issues is when I debut the podcast.

Anyway, I just want people to understand that because the cancer is gone it doesn’t mean life is all good again.

I NEVER knew life after cancer would be this hard. NEVER.

And, then people say, “well you’re alive and you’ve got more time with your children; so you should be thankful for that.” Don’t get me wrong. I’m the first one to raise my hand (it doesn’t go very far up anymore due to my muscle GVHD) and say “Grateful Gal over here.” I know a lot of people don’t get this opportunity. But that doesn’t mean that this opportunity or longer life I’ve been given doesn’t suck either.

If you get offended that I’m complaining about “surviving” cancer, you come talk to me when you’re struggling to wipe your ass because your arms won’t stretch that far, or fall on your ass trying to pick something up in front of everyone and can’t get back up without calling a shit load of attention to yourself.

This is the everyday life for me now and this life is not a life.

Every day just feels like a big fat reminder of things I can’t or I’m not allowed to do anymore.

Enough with my bitching sesh, in other news, there are many new things I’m ready to bring to my audience! I’m planning more FB LIVE videos, IG stories, Snapchats, maybe even some Youtube vids, etc.

Can someone send me some energy so I can accomplish everything I intend to?

What are ways you keep your energy up during the week?

Trying to keep my energy vibes up and the negative feels down,

lifeoncasslane signature

18 Comments

  1. Reading your comments this morning made me think about the days,the months and years after my husband died. Nothing can prepare you for these kind of jolts in life as you well know.
    It is one day at a time Cass and I pray you get the strength to do all the things you so want to do.
    All we can do is play the hand we’re dealt and try to make the highest score. Our feelings are raw and real and like you’ve said no one can understand until they’ve been there.
    Continue to tell us how you feel and I will continue to pray for you and your sweet family and continue to wish I could give you the strength you so need. You touch my heart sweet girl!

    • Stormie, I’m sorry to hear about your husband. It sounds like you’ve had a rough go of it. But I know you’re right. I just have to keep moving forward with what I have and trudge through the mud–that’s GVHD–and hopefully get to a softer side of GVHD eventually.

  2. Fellow AML /bmt / gvhd survivor , lately my gvhd has been semi calm, I gave in, did tons of research and tried the CBD oils , and with my super quiet voice, ( not to disturb gvhd) it’s been working and calming the monster …my drs are shocked, I’m content but whenever gvhd is to quiet- there’s a storm brewing ….but for now, 4yrs post bmt … it’s sorta kinda a better Shitty normal . Praying your gvhd calms and your strength grows ! Also I would like to personally meet the crew that wrote the book “what to expect ” when we all had our bmts/ they forgot the gvhd part that would haunt us for the rest of our lives!!! #gvhdsucksballs

    • Stormie! I completely agree. I think they play the GVHD down because we are so shocked by the cancer diagnosis. I haven’t tried CBD oils, what kinds did you try that seemed to help you? I’m interested to know; I need to do more research. I don’t think my docs will be too happy with me asking but I don’t care. The pain has to subside some just to let me feel like I’m some sort of human being–at least one that’s suffering a little less. I’m so glad you read my posts and commented. Please continue to pray, read, comment, and share! Do you follow along on my FB Lifeoncasslane page? Or Insta Lifeoncasslane? It’s a good place to reach out, share the latest, and you can also sign up for my emails. Hopefully, I’ll have a podcast going soon if I can pick a name!!

  3. Linda Garrett Reply

    I have no words for you. I have never been in your position, and hopefully, I never will. Just know that there are some of us sitting in the background praying for you and your health. I would love to get with you one day…..perhaps take you to lunch, come over and watch the boys while you rest, or bring your family dinner.

    Love,
    Linda Garrett

    • I would absolutely love and enjoy that Linda! I think that would be a great idea. I’ve been shutting a lot of people out and it’d be nice to bring people back into the fold. Any of those things would help, or be a huge help for me mentally. Love you!

  4. Mike rader Reply

    I’m really sorry you’re going through all that. I read because I know this can happen to any of us at any time. Right now I’m writing from a hospital where my friend is going through one medical problem after another. He may have to have open-heart surgery and I just never forget that it could easily be me in that bed hearing bad news after bad news, and I very well may be one day since all of us live in these dying, decaying bodies. Aside from coffee and the periodic high of hope I can say that I personally get my energy and motivation to do anything that I do from Jesus. I can make money, make love, make children, travel and do nearly anything I want physically (since I’m in good health) but none of that is really sufficient for living. All of it will fail me eventually if it already hasn’t.

    Isaiah 40:28-31
    Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

    No matter the situation it’s always energizing knowing this body is not forever and that Jesus stepped in to rid of us of our sins so that we may be with Him forever.

    • Hey, Mike. First, I just want to say I’m sorry to hear about the rough time your friend is going through. I can’t imagine what that would be like–possibly going to have open-heart surgery–that’s really scary. It has to be hard to watch, for you, I’d imagine too. I’ll be honest. I do feel like something is missing in my life, and I have talked to Chel and Nia about this, and that I think it’s Jesus. I go up and down with my spiritual practices. But I pray all the time. I’m not sure If I’m feeling that connection yet, honestly. I had some really negative experiences when I was younger at church. I was often put on the spot or made fun of. My parents didn’t go to church, so the only time we went was with friends. So I’ve always felt uneducated about the Lord. That may sound silly, but church talk always gave me anxiety. I did go to church with Leann and absolutely loved it. I plan to go back actually. I think I need to get more involved in my faith and perhaps that would bring some peace that it’s all in God’s hands.

      • Mike rader Reply

        This is the only comment I made. I don’t know how someone posted using my name in the other comment that starts with, “Cassidy, we haven’t spoke since HS. ” That wasn’t me just FYI.

        • Yes, I figured that out. I’m so sorry about that. I don’t know why or how that happened? It just doesn’t makes sense. I’m looking into it.

  5. Cassidy, we haven’t spoke since HS. Hell, you probably dont even know me-I was in Klays class. Anyway, I read through your blogs and just cant believe the courage and realness you have to share your story. It’s raw, its scary, its hard, it’s your life. I am not going to sit here and say “oh everything will be ok”….thats false positives that I cant ensure -I can tell you TODAY can be ok 👌 today you can draw strength and encouragement from your loved ones. TODAY, you can celebrate life-even in pain, confusion and stress, know TODAY is all we all have. Thank you for being so bold and sharing your story

    • Of course, I remember you, Mike! I think I still have those t-shirts yall made and sold with yall making goofy faces (you, Sam, and Eric)! Those were so funny and yall probably made a killing on them lol. I’m so glad you read through my blogs. You’ve been so kind with your donations to us and when I was fundraising for Stupid Cancer–a non-profit with young adults with cancer. Your kindness and generosity really were so very uplifting. You’ve often commented, given encouragement, and like I said donated–and we never hung out together in school. You, were, one of the first ones I remember donating while we had just shared the news, and I told Klay you donated, and we talked about how this horrible life event we were going through showed us the good in people and reinforced our faith in human kind, because honestly, it can be such a dark and ugly world out there. So, thank you for doing that for me. I think your comment today, everyone should take note of. That’s the best thing you can tell someone going through this. We don’t need fluff–because I don’t know, you don’t know, the doctors don’t know what the outcome will be. There is no crystal ball that tells them the future. That’s why I find it important to share this information with people who may be going through similar situations. And it doesn’t even have to be cancer, but just a rough time in their lives, or taking care of a friend or loved one who is having terrible medical issues. My goal with this blog is to encourage, inspire, and be real. Just tell it like it is. That’s what I’d wish I had. Something or someone to talk to or read about that was just all about “beating” cancer and they are a survivor, but about all the struggles they fight through every day (physically, mentally, and emotionally). Beyond just this site, I’m trying to find other ways I can contribute or help people (especially young adults)… but I’m not quite sure how. I just wish I could get my message out there to more people because if it helps one person through their journey, it’ll all be worth it for me.

  6. I wish you guys would visit Central Baptist in Crandall one Sunday. It has a lot to offer. There are a lot of young families there. We also have a great kids’ ministry. You and I had this talk about your bad experiences before at the Joanne’s in Rockwall. It was right before you got sick. I have prayed many times about it. Garry and I would love for you guys to come sit with us!!!!

  7. Candice Brock Reply

    Sorry Mike Radar – this is Candice Brock (Malone in HS) I am not sure why my comment was posted under your name. My apologies

  8. Candice Brock Reply

    ❤ trying to figure out how to comment under my name lol

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