Why was I put on this earth?

It’s a question that’s been puzzling me a lot lately.

It’s caused me to spiral into my depression once again. Not the depths of dark depression I spoke about before, but it’s really had me in a funk that I can’t seem to shake.

I can’t help but feel–at 29 years old–I’ve accomplished nothing in life.

When you’re young, there is no weight on your life. You still have many choices ahead, forks in the road, hills to climb and mistakes to be made. Your life is boundless and still waiting to be written. The ink isn’t close to even touching the page yet.

But when you’re my age, you’ve already made decisions that led you to where you are. The ink is dry. Moments of devastation, confusion of direction, and some of the best decisions you’ve made are behind you. Now you have to make decisions based on the choices of your past.

You can’t jump and leave whenever you want; at least I can’t. I have kids and a family to think about. And I’m grateful for that. I am.

But there are so many moments in life now that have changed me. I’m not the same girl I was two years ago—pre-cancer—and I’m not the girl I was five years ago, or even ten.

At 18, my life before my eyes held so many dreams and endless possibilities. And now,I feel the possibilities in front of me are limited—decreasing by the day, the month, the year.

I always wanted a career—writing for a magazine, being on the radio, working PR for a sports team. BIG GOALS; I know. But that’s how the thought process is at that age.

You could do what you wanted. You’re life was in the beginning stages and it was waiting to be written.

Some people would maybe categorize life between a beginning, middle and end of your life.

Now, I’m in the middle—well middle-isa depending on how you look at it.

Two years ago, I thought I was in the end.

So maybe it’s not just that simple; there aren’t just three chapters in your life and life isn’t as “linear” as we think.

But right now, I’m struggling with the present.

I want to feel like I’m contributing to life, my family and impacting other people. That’s why I got involved with the Stupid Cancer organization. I want to do some good and feel responsible for something.

I don’t feel that I’m responsible for anything.

Of course, I’m responsible for my kids and my family, but beyond that I need something. I just keep searching and hoping that I will find MY thing, ya know? The one thing that I’m supposed to be doing. A way for me to feel more meaningful to those around me.

Sometimes I’m trapped within the walls of my house and I feel imprisoned—and unfortunately-unmotivated.

I know I need to let go of what I can’t control—my health and knowing the future holds. I know I need to live more in the moment. Maybe then, I could focus my energy on making decisions that have purpose and what matters most.

The other day I had to write down some good qualities I have or things that I’m good at for counseling. All I could put was I’m a good writer, outgoing, caring and that was pretty much it.

Then I needed to write my weaknesses and the list kept going on and on. There are so many things that affect me right now. I just want to be happy and feel excited to get up and go about the day.

My excitement-level has been on E (empty) all week last week and this week.

I was frustrated, not feeling well, annoyed, and couldn’t find anything to write about on the blog. I really want this blog to grow and I want to help people through my blog and words.

I just honestly don’t know if it’s worth it? Am I stressing myself too much to write this blog? And to grow it?

I want to feel like at the end of the day, I’m bringing something to the table. And, I thought this blog—my writing—or a book or something would actually get me there. But it just hasn’t happened for me. And I don’t know if I’m wasting my time.

This blogging thing is so much work—the time and planning, preparation and editing, taking photos, engaging with your readers, trying to increase your following on social media. And that’s not even all of it. There are so many other things to do to try to make your blog successful. And the thing is, I want to help people and so for me to make an impact, success is kind of a necessary thing here.

I love doing it because I love writing and love having something for ME to do, that’s separate from being a mom and a wife.

I’m struggling to thrive and I know I’m not really doing much to change my habits. But if it’s not something with the kids, or my body throwing me for a loop, it’s something else that is coming up from all aspects of my life that I can’t control.

I can’t control having a bad day at the doctor and have to go on more meds. I can’t control when my kid swallows a marble (oh, yeah that happened today), I can’t control if I can make any money because even if I do apply for a job, I probably won’t get a callback or even be able to get hired on because of all my medical probs. And, for five years,  I haven’t been able tocontrol my success on the blog. It was only when I had cancer did I see my audience and readership grow—which is sad, but true.

I can stand on the Empire State Building and yell “This is best BLOG you’ll ever read” and no one will hear me. And even if they can and I made it to New York and to the top of the building, all of the traffic would have to be so quiet for pedestrians to hear my piddly little voice way down on the streets of the Big Apple. And even if they did hear me, whose to say they’d actually go and read it?

Ugh.

Right now, the meaning behind all of this–this struggle with my life, the kids, my family, the cancer, my health and this blog—is lost and the shitty part of life is just raining down on me.

And I don’t know if I’ll ever be to a point where I can sticky head above water again.

Anxiety-attack whore over here,

 

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2 Comments

  1. Yolanda McLean Reply

    I am so sorry to read that you are struggling! I pray that you will find your purpose. I think as women we struggle in this area a good bit. There are seasons of child raising and hopefully a good mix of other stuff too. What I have been finding lately is that I am craving connection – connection with great girlfriends. Just meeting for lunch or coffee means so much. My best friend and I meet every single Thursday evening. Sometimes we take Kambree and go sit at McDonald’s while she plays. It does’t matter what we do but we both keep that night clear every single week. From time to time Kambree will be at Grandma’s and we’ll go to a grown up restaurant. I reconnected with two friends that I haven’t done much with in years – we are talking about making the 3rd Saturday of the month our regular dinner or lunch time. It’s being purposeful about our relationships that I am craving right now. Prayers for you sweet girl.

    • Yeah I think you’re right Yolanda. I think women struggle more with this issue especially with children are a factor. I need to get out and get some ‘me’ time for sure. I think that’s a good idea to plan something during the week for quick dinners with my girlfriends! Thanks for the advice!

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