When life gives you nothing but raunchy, moldy, old lemons, (sorry, Bey), there is no making lemonade out of that.

This week has seriously been the most difficult thing I’ve been through in a while–emotionally.

I have no patience.

I can barely move because my body is so sore from doing just everyday things (my hands and wrists are swollen and hurt) maybe from typing or doing normal household chores.

I’m not sick or anything. It’s nothing like that.

My life is just wanting to suck, like really suck, right now.

You ever feel like the world is working against you? That no matter how hard you work, everything and everyone wants you to fail?

Well that’s where I am… right now.

There are some things in my life that I just cannot share on this blog. Ok I might share, but I don’t know if I will today.

Now, get me a few drinks or have a girls night out, I may open up about my probs but I’m definitely not feeling the love from anyone right now, so chances are my mouth will remain closed.

One thing that’s really getting to me right now… this blog ain’t doing so hot. I’m not sure where some of my readers went or if it’s because people aren’t sharing and commenting on social media as much, but it’s definitely depressing that I’m not getting the pageviews I once was. As a blogger, we look at that (to measure our success) because we get excited when you get excited about reading our posts.

I started blog to write and to share my thoughts about things. I wanted to hopefully provide the reader with some entertainment, and to tell them to “perk up, life could be worse.”

I’m all about providing interesting content for my readers. And in reality, the numbers thing is just numbers. But as a blogger I want to see that the work I’m doing is doing some good. That it is growing.

It takes so much time and effort in posting a blog. First you have to come up with your an idea for your post, (if you’re really trying to make it grow, you research your idea and use Google’s keyword tool, to find keywords people search for on google that will send them back to your post), then you write the post, then edit the post (which I do sometimes), then you have to take a photo for the post and edit the photo and then you’re supposed to size each photo differently for your blog post, your FB post, for Twitter, Insta, Tumblr, Pinterest, etc. So that it does fit right on the social media site you’re posting on.

Then after that you’re supposed to share your post on social media (which ever platforms you use) and they should all say something a bit differently about your post… Like a different sentence clever each post. Did I mention throwing out some creative and trending hashtags? You should do that too.

Then you’re supposed to comment back to your readers who took the time to read and comment/share about your blog with the masses.

It’s honestly a lot of work. I probably left out a few steps, but that’s pretty much what you do.

Did I mention doing that after having cancer (and still trying to recover) and having a 1 1/2 and 4 year old around interrupting you every 10 seconds?

Yeah this whole blogging thing is not easy.

To be honest with you, I am getting some traffic and I’m not just trying to look at the numbers, because I really do get excited with each share and comment from my readers. So the fact that I do have sweet comments and shares from you makes me feel a lot better than numbers ever will. That does mean so much to me and I always want to let everyone know that.

It’s just compared to how I was doing before the redesign, my numbers are struggling and THAT is disappointing.

I don’t know. Maybe I should just quit.

It is a lot of work. A lot.

It stresses me out.

The only thing is I enjoy writing. I would continue to write even if no one is reading. But knowing that people are reading makes me want to write more.

I enjoy writing and love trying to make people feel better about their lives through my ridiculous experiences, but I don’t know. I’m just not feeling like anyone cares right now.

I don’t feel like anyone cares about anything.

And that may be me projecting my life problems onto something like this blog.

One problem with having cancer, people care about you when it’s going on and then when you’re somewhat “healthy” again… BOOM, people disappear.

That’s depressing. I never really felt like people cared about me when I was a kid and because of my past. I haven’t been asked to be in many friends’ weddings (and now I don’t want to be asked). But when I was younger, I felt left out of everything. Of course I moved away to Alaska for three and a half years and that changed things. I didn’t talk to many people when I was gone.

I wasn’t around. I get it. I do. But I never replaced anyone. I never stopped caring about anyone.

And now that I’m here, back in Texas, that doesn’t seem to matter much either.

I don’t know. I’m just over it. I don’t feel like anything matters any more.

I’m not where I wanted to be in life.

Definitely don’t have a career going like I hoped I would.

Not personally either.

And definitely not happy with being a 28 year old, menopausal, post-chemo, pale-as-Casper, thin-haired-headed, woman. If that is what you can even call me.

Woman. I don’t even know how to define that word anymore. It definitely doesn’t describe me, at least not any more.

In other shitty news, I did go to the ER this weekend. The cause: a migraine. Still suffering from the damages, which is why I’m about to get off here.

I’m tired of all of this pain.

What do you think? Should I stick with blogging or just move on from it all?

Hoping everyone is healthier & happier than I am today,

 

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