To say 2015 wouldn’t allow me to end the year on a good note is the understatement of the century.

As much as I want to blog everyday, something in my life pops up and ruins this writer’s plans.

Just a few weeks (now months) back I was back in the hospital for three days with a virus in Nov… #onemorehospitalstayforthebooks

Then, I was admitted again less than a week later and finally went home on the Jan. 30th. This time I tested positive for CDIFF, and I fell at the hospital fracturing my sacrum (buttbone, which was already fractured by the way).

Then to top all that off–I started to swell like a balloon and we learned there was a blood clot in my neck connected with my power port or central line, so I had to have surgery to have that removed (the port). Now, I’m on blood thinners, but I still have a lot of fluid in my face.

I mean it was so bad that I didn’t even recognize myself.

I just feel bad for everyone around me. Everyone whose life this impacts everyday that’s not mine.

I hate that I’m away from the boys. It kills me not to see them everyday.

I honestly feel like the last three months were just a blur. I don’t know what to say when people ask how I feel, I’m tired of talking. I feel terrible. I look terrible.

It’s made us have to shuffle the boys around, which we hate. I just want to go back to a normal routine again. My mom and Klay have been amazing. I literally don’t know what I would do without them. Their lives are the most affected by my illness (along with the kids, of course). If Klay’s with me, mom’s watching the boys, and if mom is with me, Klay’s with the boys. Mom is at my house every day taking care of me and three kids (Swayze, too) and she’s done a hell of a job keeping it together. I honestly feel so much more at ease when she is around. There is nothing like being taken care of by your mama. NOTHING. I love you, mom.

Plus, Klay’s working and trying to balance this crazy life we’re living right now. He’s trying to grocery shop, cook dinner, play with the kids, bathe the kids, get them to bed, and work and go to the Reserves and work there. Plus, visit me and stay with me at the hospital, driving back and forth from Dallas to our house everyday. There is just so much he’s doing. I feel terrible for him. I just wish I could do something to make everyone’s lives a little easier.

I love him so much. And he’s been through this all with me (skinny, fat, bald, rashes, broken tailbones, dealing with me shitting myself, bathing me, helping me get dressed–you name it, he’s done it.)

Then the poor guy dropped a cage on his foot at work and had to go to the ER last week. It was only a bone bruise, but it just seems like none of us can catch a break.

Right now I’m at the doctor. Yes, I’m out of the hospital, but I’m still swollen, having GI problems, my stomach is killing me, and I’m wearing Depends, which should tell you a lot about how “well” I am right now.

This is my life right now.

I’m 28 and married with two beautiful boys who I don’t get to see because of my “recovery” from my stem cell transplant. I’m wearing Depends–so yes, I’m pooping on myself–I’m skinny, my skin is disgustingly dry, my face is blown up because of a damn blood clot in my neck. Oh, and it hurts any time I move my bum because I had to fall and break something while I already feel like shit. I’m going through menopause and I can’t have any more kids. My life is quite possibly at the lowest point it’s ever been–physically, emotionally, etc. I’m just trying to shake things off, but it’s so hard because I keep getting bad news all the time.

I just don’t even want to answer questions about anything. I don’t want to engage with anyone right now. I know I don’t need to shut people out at a time like this. All of these health problems have turned my life and those I love most [their lives] upside down.

Having these GI problems for two months with no resolve is frustrating.

Every day I’ve been sick with diarrhea, blood in my stool, going to the bathroom every few minutes…

I’m weak, I’m losing weight. I lost eight pounds since December. I’m in the 125s with clothes on. All my clothes are 4x too big for me. I need to get rid of the old and buy some new clothes asap, but don’t feel like it cause I’m sick and weak.

I’m way too skinny. It’s scary. Though it may not look like it in these photos I’m going to show you. They are gross, but I want people to know what this is like for me and what I’ve had to experience.